Speak What You Mean; Mean What You Speak

MyLife Essay Contest Finalist

The Importance of Silence, Thinking, ‘Sorting & Separating.’

“To be kind is more important than to be right. Many times what people need is not a brilliant mind that speaks, but a special heart that listens.”1
– Lubavitcher Rebbe

Introduction

No words can truly describe the feeling the Rebbe’s words instil in me. I love being right and I love speaking, especially to prove I am right. However, I also love being kind and sharing what I have with those around me… it is a powerful thing to realise that being right and being kind are at emotional odds with one another. Wanting and needing to be right often clouds our judgement and we speak before we think or we speak so quickly we do not have time to articulate our thoughts or match our thoughts to our speech. This inconsistency between our thought and our speech is the main issue I would like to address in this essay. A particular nuance thereof is where we often attach our emotions to factual situations, when the two have nothing to do with one another. The result is an inappropriate amalgamation of intellect and emotions from which our speech and actions do not reflect our thoughts, what we perceive to reflect our essence. In order to grasp fully this issue and appreciate how we can improve meaningfully, I will provide a Chassidic understanding of thought, speech and action as understood in the Chassidic Discourses Garments of the Soul by The Lubavitcher Rebbe, Rabbi Menachem M. Schneerson and Yom Tov Shel Rosh Hashanah 5659 by Rabbi Shalom DovBer Schneersohn of Lubavitch, respectively. I will then conclude with a 5‐step tool entitled ‘sort and separate’ as a practical means to evoke tangible change.

Human Contemporary Issue

As humans, we have this incessant need to be right. In any given situation, we have this need to voice our opinions and prove our point as quickly as possible, lest anyone should think, even for a second, they are right or, put differently, we are wrong. Most of the time, in situations of potential conflict, we try stay calm and respectful or at least that is our aim because ultimately we know better. However, very quickly the situation spirals out of control, generally resulting in screaming-­‐matches and emotional warfare where most of the time feelings get hurt. The reason being, I think, is that we do not give ourselves any time to actually think through our thoughts, let alone match our thoughts to our speech. We get caught up in our emotions and erroneously attach them to the factual situation at hand, speaking so quickly we do not speak what we mean or we do not think at all before we speak. This is why specifically we need to pay attention to the way in which we articulate ourselves, both in speech and action. Hopefully, by the end of this essay I will share with you the understanding of the importance of speech, and the tools to speak what we mean and mean what we speak.

[aside] We need to pay attention to the way in which we articulate ourselves, both in speech and action. [/aside]

Thought, Speech and Action: Garments of the Soul

“…thought speech and deed are garments of the soul.
– Tanya by Rabbi Schneur Zalman of Liadi, Chapter 4

Therefore, just as regards to the garments of the body – although man needs clothing, nevertheless – he can remove them; and he certainly does not need these particular clothing, and can exchange them for others–
Similarly with regards to the garments of the soul: the garments speech and deed can be “shed”; and even thought, which is constantly active and cannot be “shed,” can be replaced with a different thought. But man’s intellect and emotions are the soul itself…” Vayishlach Yehoshua, Garments of the Soul a Chassidic Discourse by The Lubavitcher Rebbe Rabbi Menachem M. Schneerson pg. 34

“Speech causes the light of the intellect’s depth and profundity to shine and be revealed, a revelation that is not produced by the exploration of thought alone. In speech, the length and width of intellect, and the manner in which it is revealed, are far superior [to the mode of revelation within intellect itself]. And in the realm of emotions, speech causes a great increase of excitement.” Yom Tov Shel Rosh Hashanah 5659 Discourse One, a Chassidic Discourse by Rabbi Shalom DovBer Schneersohn of Lubavitch pg. 36

Summary of Ideas

In Chassidus intellect and emotion are considered the soul itself, the essence of a person, while thought, speech and action are considered the garments through which the soul is expressed. Just as clothes can be removed (‘shed’), so too thought, speech and action as the garments of the soul can be ‘shed’ or at least replaced: thought is considered an ‘attached garment’ while speech is considered a ‘detached garment’. Although thought is never switched off, thought is fluid in nature – one thought is constantly shed in place of another. Nevertheless thought is an ‘attached garment’ as thought is wholly connected with the soul. In other words, the soul cannot operate without thought for the two are intrinsically linked, just as a snail’s shell is permanently attached to the foot (sole of the snail).2 Moreover, thought is only comprehensible to the thinker and remains hidden to the other. Speech, on the other hand, can be shed at will – a person can speak or a person can remain silent. Unlike thought, speech is comprehensible to the other (the receiver) and is therefore revealed. Thus speech is detached from the soul.3

Ideally, thought is stimulated by either intellect and/or emotion, giving rise to an idea, which is then expressed through speech. Therefore speech cannot create itself, nor can it create any more than what is originally created by intellect and/or emotion, imparted by thought. However this phenomenon is far more complex. Verbalising an idea – translating thought into speech – can be both restrictive and expansive. Through verbalising thought, an idea becomes constricted and narrowly defined to the diction utilized. In this way the idea loses its vastness and grandeur. Have you ever generated a remarkable idea only to realize it was not so remarkable after explaining your idea to someone? Similarly, have you ever generated a remarkable idea only to receive a blank reaction and then comment “that made sense in my head…”? On the other hand, verbalising an idea can develop and transcend the idea in a much more concrete and valuable way than having the idea confined to thought. Have you ever experienced a great idea that becomes stagnant, being unable to reach its full potential or an idea you cannot seem to grasp completely and experience a somewhat whirl-­‐pool effect? These opposing contenders seem antithetical, however the exceptional quality of speech reconciles the conundrum: speech refines an idea according to the words one chooses (which is why we should choose our words carefully); however speech has the ability to reach the depth of an idea that cannot be reached by thought alone.4 Through speech, one is able to think critically – to extrapolate and reject; equalise and contrast. Have you ever answered your own question in times of confusion? Merely verbalising the issue provided the tools necessary to understand the point in question all on your own. The same holds true for emotions – speaking from a place of emotions only intensifies and inflates that emotion. For example, a person confronting another from a place of anger only exacerbates their anger; expressing one’s love for someone or something only intensifies one’s love thereof. Thus Rabbi Eliyahu de Vidas advises that in times of anger one should be silent for speaking amplifies anger.5 I know from personal experience at least that I become much more enraged during and after an argument in which I express my anger than in situations where I take the time to cool down, even where I count to 10 before I speak.

[aside] In times of anger one should be silent for speaking amplifies anger. [/aside]

Applied to Everyday Life

The power of speech lies not only in its revelation, but also in its infiniteness – that the revelation cannot be taken back. Once we speak, our emotions and/or intellect (which manifested as thought before reaching speech) no longer belong to us, the consequence of which is immense. In times of conflict, ranging from the pettiest conversation to the most intense confrontation, despite the amount of inaccurate, meaningless talk, we cannot take back what we said (no matter how sorry we may be). The power of speech goes even further: even though thought is a higher faculty than speech, speech accesses a deeper part within the soul. Personally, this is a crazy concept. Logically, a higher faculty reaches a higher place, while a lower faculty reaches a lower place. However in Chassidus it is the lower faculty of speech that has the ability to reach a higher level of profundity. For example, it is much harder to articulate in words what one is thinking or feeling: we might have a grand idea for a novel, essay or any literary piece of work and yet when we sit down to write down or type out our thoughts, we are at a loss. Similarly, we might build up an entire conversation in our minds that we would like to have with someone and when the opportunity arises we are at a loss for words. On the other side of the pendulum, we find ourselves in situations where the words just ‘come out’ without prior thought or internalisation of the intellect or emotion from whence the words originate. This latter occurrence is the situation for which I would like to share  some  practical guidance to enhance the garments of our souls and improve our interactions with those around us.

Cognitive Reconstruction

One of the main reasons why we fall trap to conflicting situations, confrontations and screaming-­‐matches is because very often we attach our emotions to factual situations. Very often we connect a myriad of emotions to a simple, independent fact where in reality the two are not linkable at all. We tend to say because my brother ate my left-­‐over pasta he is rude and does not respect me; because my sister took my dress without asking she does not appreciate my sense of privacy and respect my personal belongings; becausemy husband ate take-­‐outs on the way home from work he does not appreciate my cooking dinner (or maybe he even hates my cooking) nor does he love or respect me. No. My brother ate my pasta because it was in the fridge (i.e. it was up for grabs) and he was hungry. My sister took my dress because the week before I told her she could borrow my clothes without asking if it was an emergency and it happened to be an emergency. My husband was hungry because he was in meetings all day, did not have time to eat and could not wait until he got home from work. However, because we already had bottled emotions of feeling unloved, unappreciated or happened to have a particularly bad day, or a combination thereof, we blur the line between an independent fact and magnifying that fact based on our emotions.

It should be acknowledged that it is not a problem to have emotions (as emotions are intrinsic to our being), however it is imperative that deal with our emotions in the right way, as will be discussed below.

Sustainable Methodology for Change

As already mentioned, a lot of the time we get caught up in our own perspectives and link our feelings and emotions to independent facts. Instead we need to ‘sort and separate’ the fact and emotions, which exercise I have divided into 5 practical steps:

• Step one is realizing that we are inappropriately linking fact and emotion: We need to catch ourselves before we say or do something we do not actually mean. In order to do this we need to be silent; and we need to think. We need to take a breather and wait even longer than normal before speaking or pressing send on whatsapp. This will give us enough time to engage in step two.
• Step two is considering what the fact is and what our emotions are that have been triggered by this fact: We need to define and delineate clearly what the fact and emotions are so we may deal with them separately.
• Step three is literally creating a barrier, a mechitza, between the fact and the emotions we identified in step two: We need to rationalize that the fact and emotions are separate so that we may move onto step four.
• Step four is deciding which to deal with first – the fact or the emotions: Sometimes, a situation calls for putting our emotions aside and dealing with the fact first. For example, G-­‐d forbid one’s loved one suffers a heart attack – one needs to put one’s emotions of fear, distress, anger etc. aside to deal with the fact that one’s loved one needs medical attention and one’s calmness, love and support. In other situations a fact may not be changeable and the only thing we can do is to confront our emotions. It is important to remember that we cannot deal with both at the same time!
• Step five is following through with the decision and dealing with the fact and emotions separately: putting one aside leaves room to deal with the other genuinely and vice versa. Separating our emotions from the fact means that we do not take things personally, which allows us to deal with situations logically and effectively. Separating the fact from our emotions means we can engage meaningfully with our emotions for what they are in their purest sense, without getting caught up in their futile manifestations.

Of course this is easier said than done – most of the time it’s easier to realize and acknowledge we have fused fact and emotions once we have had time to reflect on the situation. This is why it is so important to be silent – to provide us with the adequate time to do the reflecting before we speak and not after (when it is too late to take back what we said and/or did).

[aside] It is crucial that our speech be harnessed in the right way. [/aside]

Take-­Away  Message

Speech is a powerful tool. It is the only resource we have above thought and action, which enables us to reach the depth of our intellect and emotion; and the main resource we have to be and interact with the world. Therefore it is crucial that our speech be harnessed in the right way. Most of the time we do not intend to be hurtful or malicious, but a lot of the time we get caught up in our emotions; erroneously attach our emotions to innocent facts and speak before we think. Once we have spoken it is too late – we cannot change or take back what we have said. Therefore it is vital to speak what we mean and mean what we speak. In order to accomplish this we need to be silent and reflect. It is not just about thinking twice. It is more than that. It is about being silent, thinking and ‘sorting & separating’. Only then are we equipped to avail ourselves of speech to connect us profoundly and meaningfully.

Bio:

Chelsea Mika Shar is a BA/LLB graduate of the University of the Witwatersrand (WITS) in Johannesburg, South Africa. She is currently studying at Mayanot, Institute for Jewish Studies in Jerusalem, Israel before she commences her law articles in January 2016 at Bowman Gilfillan in Johannesburg, South Africa. Chelsea has a passion for people, places and performing arts – and loves spending time with her family and friends; travelling the world and going to the theatre. If she could live on the stage she would! Chelsea is particularly involved in education, writing and research; endeavours to which she is naturally drawn which is why Chelsea pursued the MyLife Essay Contest. This drive surfaced especially following the inspirational and profound Chassidic teachings Chelsea learned (and continues to learn!) at Mayanot. Additionally, Chelsea has always been fascinated by human interaction, which is apparent from her love of psychology (which was one of her double majors in her BA). Her topic was therefore an organic mix of Chassidic Jewish psychology to help inspire and assist people, including herself, in bettering their interactions with one another, as well as her own interactions with others.

Footnotes and Sources